Why I Stopped Travelling and Sat With Myself in Stillness Instead
Hey Folks,
So, for anyone who doesn’t know me, I’m Pritham and I’m a former lawyer turned singer-songwriter and some sort of travel content creator type person… anyway I write, take photographs and travel.. well at least I used to…
So anyway, I’d been taking solo trips for the last six years on and off, backpacking around SE Asia, Europe and Central America. But last year, in January 2023 — I got back from a trip to Costa Rica that was supposed to last three months travelling across Central America — but I only managed 4 weeks, and I basically stayed at home back in London ever since. And there were so many reasons why, and I kinda want to update you on why I stopped travelling last year and what I did instead.
So let’s start at the beginning:
I first started travelling in 2016, and at first, it was amazing. I had recently graduated, and the freedom, the unlimited possibilities, and meeting new people was thrilling. But after 3 or 4 years of doing different types of backpacking trips, a few patterns started showing up, which I havn’t found many people talking about. The past few trips — I feel I started to meet the same types of people who were asking the same types of questions, having the same conversations and stuck at the same stages of life — mainly because I felt I was taking the same types of trips again and again just in different settings. I found it started to get repetitive, but I also started developing travel fatigue and burn out, and found the process of getting on budget long coaches and then staying in loud, uncomfortable hostels quite exhausting and then after a while, quite boring. But I also started understanding the limits I put on myself. I found myself playing the same version of myself at these hostels — and the way I was travelling made me realised I had kinda stopped growing as a person. The whole reason I started travelling was to get out of my comfort zone, truly explore who I was, meet different kinds of people, and also have enriching experiences, encounter new cultures, and find ways to positively impact the world around me. That didn’t seem to be happening, so I thought it’s time to shake things up and do something that really scared me, and that was … actually sitting still for a while, and not moving, and to really start dealing with my thoughts, feelings and emotions beneath the surface.
My intuition was telling me that I was using travel as an escape, which is fine in short doses, but when your whole life becomes avoidance and escapism — it becomes more of a serious problem, so I knew I had to stop using travel as a reason to run away from myself. But on top of that, I had a whole host of other stuff going on: there were some internalised suppressed emotions which were coming to the surface and manifesting as restlessness, anxiety, and body aches, and I was increasingly finding it hard to deal with those on the road. There was also some trauma from my childhood which I was finding it hard to deal with. I believe this takes a toll on the body, and my immune system was already really depleted — I caught COVID three times, dengue twice, and I even got a nasty infection that needed to be treated from a tiny cut on my foot so — everything was telling me just to stop. I didn’t really want to come home and face the music — but I guess at some point I really had to. Also, my gut health was all over the place: IBS, constant stomach aches and an upset tummy. So I decided to sit still until I got more clarity on myself, and understood more on what was actually going on.
What happened next was mad. I thought I’d only sit with myself for a couple of months max, but that turned into a whole year of not leaving the country or even going on small trips. Are you sitting comfortably? Let’s start:
I found out, as quite a nasty surprise, that I had a tapeworm infestation when I saw several worms being passed in the toilet about a month after I came back. I had to go to the Hospital of Tropical Diseases in London to get that sorted twice, because it kept coming back even after the first treatment, so I had to fight for this extra strong medication that are only available on special order in the UK which finally killed the monsters — and this also explained my fatigue. I was sleeping 12 hours a night and waking up feeling zonked — but also because the worms eat your vital nutrients, I was anaemic in iron as well as vitamin b12 so it was also causing me depression and anxiety.
This meant I also had to start healing my gut health. When you’re on the road or in foreign lands, even if you go to good restaurants or cook for yourself — it’s much harder to ensure constant cleanliness, but it’s also a lot of change for the gut and sometimes you can help but eat rich foods. I had to heal after the parasitic worms, but also the medication which also killed the good bacteria in my microbiome, and at home — I could control what I ate and where it was sourced much easier — and also by not moving, I could do an elimination diet — and start seeing what reacts well with my gut and what not. I eliminated dairy — apart from a probiotic and prebiotic drink, I have a small serving of complex carbs like sweet potato or baked potato, and lots of fresh vegetables — broccoli and spinach and carrots, as well as lean protein like tuna, salmon and chicken, and fats like avocados, bananas and olive oil. Along with intermittent fasting, my bloating has come down drastically.
So, after I started physically healing which took around 3 months, I could start dealing with some of the underlying emotional and energetic issues, namely this constant feeling of being on high alert or hyperarousal and hypervigilance — which meant I couldn’t shut off — and was due to my dysregulated nervous system which meant my heart rate was always high. This is still something i’m working on, but basically I had to understand my cycle of emotions and also know when I was feeding the anxiety or slowing down and being present and mindful for it to regulate. But I also had to allow the emotions of the trauma from my childhood that were trapped in my body to release, and I did that through daily practice of Yoga Nidra — 20 mins a day, vocalising, movement, fixing my sleep habits, and changing my diet to intermittent fasting.
I also started to look at some of my defence mechanisms. I was so used to going solo travelling etc that it kinda led me to being overly independent or avoidant: by constantly going solo, I found it’s an excuse to isolate myself and to pushing people away, as well as to shy away from commitments both in relationships as well as building a life and other career goals. On reflection, I sought solo travel as I needed some time by myself to heal, process and stabilise my emotions, but I also deeply long to connect, to share with others, and for true intimacy. The problem with solo travel is that you don’t deeply connect with people, everyone is transient, and also you are rarely alone, especially if you’re doing hostels etc — but also cause you’re travelling, you’re rarely still — which is what I needed. But after having a period of avoiding others and letting myself feel and start to heal — which is definitely a process and a life journey rather than a destination — I think i’m at a place where I built enough stability, self knowledge and self awareness that I am ready to start letting people in again and that I trust that I’d be able to recover if someone emotionally hurt me because to love or to go do anything in the world takes a risk, and also takes a risk that someone might get hurt along the way.
Balance. A year of sitting still is a lot, and maybe too much — again, shutting yourself off from the world for a year is also avoidant — but I seem to learn through experiencing extremes and contrasts, and now I have done my year of stillness, I know how I want balance moving forward. I also learned how much for me is too much meditation, or not enough. Finding stillness in spaces, while still allowing yourself exploration, or to let go and have fun is my key. Also in terms of meditation practice — for me I found twice a day helped, on average for around 20 mins at a time, max up to 40 mins, and mainly Yoga Nidra helps ground me, find stillness and deep rest, as well as regulate my nervous system and my symptoms of PTSD and trauma. It really seems to have a pretty miraculous cumulative effect on me, and i’m more curious and inspired than ever to continue to devote myself daily to this habit.
I was able to work on my relationships back home. Some relationships with my friends were a bit frayed, and my relationship with my mum wasn’t in a great place due to lots of reasons. So now, if I do chose to travel, all my relationships and my situation at home are in a good place — and if anything — that just makes me feel good when i’m away, cause I believe that you carry things with you wherever you may be in the world.
I finally started to develop genuine gratitude. Everyone said that developing gratitude works wonders for your mental health — BUT — journalling it and making lists didn’t really feel real to me. It felt intellectual rather than something that was embodied. When I decided to stop running away or trying to desperately change my situation, and move to acceptance of where I was in life and more accepting of myself — the majesty of the world opens up right in front of you. Instead of chasing waterfalls or the most beautiful instagram spot in an exotic country, if you can just take a cheap camera or your phone, and find beauty, wonder, mystery and joy in your hometown neighbourhood, and you don’t need a life of constant travel.
Depression. I’d been running away and avoiding my depression for a while. But I found, the more you avoid it, the longer it persists — it’s always there at the back of your mind knocking away louder to be listened to — but you also develop a fear of listening to it which also means you get a whole host of other things — like a fear of listening or accepting any of your emotions — which can also lead to mistrust of yourself, doing harmful things like risky activities to override or surpress your emotions, or overeating to fill that void. So I started to slowly let myself feel that depression, sit with it, understand it — and like most things in life — although highly unpleasant and scary — the waves of it would eventually pass. I’d always end up getting up and getting back on with my life — it didn’t kill me or leave me feeling incapable completely of functioning or taking care of myself — and so, slowly, it also lost its power over of me of what I expected it to make me feel. I was no longer in fear of feeling it.
After sitting with myself for a year — there were no huge realisation moments and that’s ok. I made no major life decisions and no huge shifts, but I did become aware that life is a constant journey of microdescisions, and those little decisions you make each day are really important. I sat still for a year and that was basically all that really happened. Lots of internal feelings changed, but also not much changed at the same time — and I guess there’s also something interesting in that. But I also noticed — the little decisions that each day is made of — those micro decisions, are so much more important than the expectation of coming to one huge realisation. If you want to improve your nervous system and energy centres in the body — then knowing how much energy you have for things day to day is essential, as well as knowing what activities or people drain or give you energy. Once you tune into the subtle energies that are happening internally, then you know you have more control than you think on filling your cup or being drained. For me, it’s the constant reminder that there is no glamour in being overly busy, or in showing others that you appear to have it all together, or constantly be seen to be out doing fabulous things with people. It’s also a deeper understanding that somehow by doing less and directing and focusing your energy to clear, key things, you achieve way more than by trying to do and control everything around you. I read once that if your nervous system is constantly in overdrive then you have also simply not understood that you are enough. You are always out trying to do everything and be everything because you think what you have or who you are without those things is not enough — so, it’s a journey for me back to finding home within my own body in the present.
After spending quality time with yourself and understanding your energy patterns and cycles, you start to understand life-force, or chi better. So many traditional forms of medicine — like ancient Chinese medicine or Indian ayurveda, work on this idea of life-force energy. And while, to me at least, it is still so much of a mystery, and I believe multiple complex systems in the body are working with each other at once — the simple take away is this. Your energy and energy levels is your health. And you should do everything to protect it, nourish it and prioritise it. And if you are anything of a people pleaser like me — you must know that it is not only not selfish to do so, but essential to be able to give of yourself truly and freely in this life — and also it’s the ultimate flex to just be able to spend quality time in harmony just with yourself and not needing anything else. I guess that’s what they call inner peace.
So — where am I now? Going forward, I want to travel again, but not super rough or for months on end. Cue me in a months time announcing that I am going backpacking again haha. No but for real — nothing is set in stone, and I just want to take the mistakes from my past and learn from them, so that it’s a better, healthier and more centered future, and to be more self aware and mindful of how i’m feeling and how my body is feeling in the moment, rather than thinking I always have to push through, or that I constantly have a point to prove.
Right, enough of the trying to be profound, i’m going to start really enjoying life and the little trips that I can take. My plans at the moment are to escape the cold in London and go have a nice holiday for 10 days somewhere clean, nice and warm, resting and spending some time outdoors and above all else — being true to myself and listening to what my body needs.
