Sexuality and the City: Finding a Queer Career

The good thing about surviving a full breakdown is that it gives you time to think. Even if you don’t want to. During a long wintering of my life, where nothing would grow, and the scenery wouldn’t change — apart from the odd tumbleweed rolling through — I realised my soul was an empty well searching for any signs of water. In an effort to rebuild my life, I mistakenly sought what I thought was absent — the traditional signs of metropolitan success: dinners with friends, yoga classes, awkward dates over pastel-coloured cocktails with handsome strangers and a job that keeps me busy, creates conversation fodder and gets the bills paid. But rebuilding a life, like restoring the ruins of Rome, couldn’t happen overnight, leaving me with the unavoidable questions staring me in the face: why did I have a breakdown? What am I not listening to? And ultimately — what needs to change?

Before I charge back into a workplace and channel my perfectionist tendencies into overachieving again, I ask myself the question — what is it that I really want to do with my life? And a new question forces me to confront an increasingly important facet of my identity — one that I previously thought did not factor into my career. I am Queer. I have always been Queer. But how much do I want my sexuality to play a role in my life? It’s something that every queer or gay or non-heteronormative person has to ask themselves at one point or the other. Previously, I wanted what all the straight people had — why shouldn’t I as a Queer person, be entitled to the same things? But with all this time to think — and with the added result of having the space and time to redesign my life — I find I have now shifted priority. What if I want my whole life to look and feel more… ‘Queer’? By that I also mean — more innately me — reflective of who I am as a human being?

Of course, I want to be happy all round — professionally, and personally — but I also want to create a life and space in my life for love. Beautiful, non-negotiable, non-sensical Queer love. But I want to design a life that will attract a Queer love into my life — and also represent and reflect me as a Queer person. They say that good work can only be done when you are your full and truthful self — and I want to bring my full self to work, instead of seeing it as something I have to dress-up to do, or seem more put-together or clever, or more ‘straight’ than I am. For sure, my career should push me to develop as a person and be a better human — but I want it to make me be a better ‘me’ not a better ‘someone else.’

Our Emotions Tell Us What Needs To Change

It’s astonishing how a prolonged period of unhappiness can make you change your priorities. If we now live in a world where we don’t have to be anyone but ourselves — then who the hell do I want to be, and how does that show up in my work? If I don’t have to get married, or have 2.4 kids, or buy the white-picket fence house — then I can look beyond working merely for monetary gain — so what is the reason for my work? What do I want to achieve beyond money?

Beyond Money and Heteronormative Structures

So many of us work just to pay ther bills — it’s an unavoidable fact of life — but can a life of being constantly on the grind be sustainable, nevermind even fulfilling? Surely, there is more to life than money? And those who do have the money — some work only to stave off boredom, or keep busy, or just to improve their social lives — and there is nothing wrong with that. But how about something deeper — how about being moved to do something? Or God forbid — even finding a ‘calling’? I often envied those young men in sharp suits and snazzy briefcases who waltzed into high-paying careers in finance or law after college, thinking they had it all sorted and they took a well-trodden and secure route into something expected that was paved for them. But I also think — many of them may have been pressured into finding their career too early, many of them were discouraged or maybe even unable to explore their passions or their natural talents and gifts — maybe they just had to earn money for their families. And then we wonder why, perhaps, there is such a high rate of male suicide under the age of 45?

Natural Gifts

Of course, not all of us can be, or want to be great artists, poets, filmmakers, musicians, dancers yada yada yada… but I do intuit that many of us are born with natural talents, or have found a great affinity for things during our early lifetimes — and perhaps we are not meant to compete on a Global level with those talents, or be, “the best”, whatever that means. But how can we still manage to channel these talents into our work, or build our work around these natural gifts?

It is my core belief that when our natural talents are also lined up with something that our heart deeply desires (a purpose if you will), and that energy is poured into something constructive (aka what heteronormative society calls ‘work’) — then we can only be satisfied and fulfilled with our work — not burned out, anxious or depressed at another hellish commute to a less-than-inspiring office working with people that we don’t have much in common with.

External Validation

Another problem with the workplace is the emphasis on external arbitrary indicators of performance. Like my daily meditation practice, and my research into abundance, as well as my love for all religious and spiritual texts — if we are indeed already whole and complete in ourselves — then why do we still search for external validation? The easiest trap to fall into for this is workaholism. Is it because of not wanting to let our parents down, or for wanting to seem successful by society’s standards, or for being accepted by someone else’s measure of attractiveness?

Let’s face it — I am the last person to give up the material things I love — a skincare routine that brings me joy, a fresh pair of Nike’s that are so well designed, an oat milk flat white that brightens up a grey morning — but I don’t want a constant chase of external things to replace finding internal fulfilment in my journey. And I never want someone else’s quotas to indicate that I am not enough as a person. Tell this to the young me who was so desparate to get straight ‘A’ grades on his report cards at school that it made him ill — and I’ll finally see that I have come a long way.

Heteronormative Structures and Queer Art

I am also programmed by society, culture and the media that I consume that I should be doing something technical that provides great value to clients and businesses to make lots of money. It’s such a ‘straight’ and ‘heteronormative’ set of parameters.My background as Indian and Pakistani doesn’t help — the World and our families see us as tech and maths wizards — and God help if you ever want to deviate away from this and into anything artistic.

But can I reconcile my innate Queerness which sits in the realm of creating art for art’s sake, for simply being able to engage with aesthetics and the philosophy of art, with my equal desire to create value and build wealth the same way that the ‘straights’ do? Can I enjoy the security and structures that heteronormative programming offer while divinely channelling my desire to create and embody queer art?

Queer Joy

And here is another truth. It’s hard enough to be gay, or queer — or anything aside from the narrow societal and parental expectations thrust upon you. Sometimes I think I’m getting all the stick and challenges of being Gay without any of the good stuff (especially great Queer sex). But recently my mindset has shifted — what joy can I take from my Queerness? What inspiration can I find in simply existing as a Queer human?

And moreover — how about the licences that Queer life affords you? How about crafting a life defined by being moved by great beauty — and not the superficial trappings of chasing fashion trends or popular fads? How about finding genuine expressions of art that remind us of the infinite potential of the human mind, and that leave us feeling at awe of getting to be here, on Earth at this time, in our human forms? Or how about listening to music and finding lyrics or stories that move us and connect us in ways that we haven’t been in years?

In short — being Queer allows me to shift my priorities, and I don’t have to chase professional status, financial gain for a heteronormative family or succumb to the pressures or expectations of toxic masculinity and the need to compete with other Men to be the most ‘attractive’ mate. I get to chase and follow something deeper — true authenticity, connection and growth. I also get to use my intuition. And while it may be uncomfortable or scary not knowing where the road may take me, or what twists and turns to take — how can fear stay with me when I am following that most precious thing that can land on a human — my calling.