Lost.

Life has wielded this strange sense of lethargy lately.

It’s not laziness or a lack of things to keep oneself busy - but more this looming feeling of being lost. Beyond not knowing what to do with myself, i’ve been searching for inspiration high and low, and lost a feeling of excitement for the things that used to spark joy.

Maybe I am depressed - but while I know in my bones i’m a ‘let’s get up and do something’ kind of person - I’ve been searching for a deeper sense of purpose - some more meaningful missions in life.

While i’m on the hunt for my modus operandi, I’ve been purposefully slowing down - the opposite of my usual reach for far-flung adventures. There’s this nagging feeling that if I can’t find some thrills in my own backyard - and the streets around my hometown that I’ve trodden thousands of times, then how can I expect to find awe, wonder and majesty in places and people thousands of miles away?

So here I am, home for more than a little while, sticking to familiar routines, rigid structures and the safety of what I know. But lately, a dangerous idea has been planted in my mind…

What if I dared myself to really get lost?

There seems to be a cultural stigma in society against this idea of being lost. We always need to have a plan, be occupied in doing something, taking action towards moving the needle forward. However - is it worth entertaining the idea that perhaps it’s worth feeling, or even purposely getting ‘lost’ at least for a short window of time?

A wise guru once said that the true essence of human nature is to feel lost - being lost simply means that we are free - unbound by the restrictions and costumes that we wear as part of duty or occupation on a daily basis. Somehow, I have this notion that feeling lost, at least for a short while - is to venture into the unknown, perhaps getting uncomfortable in the process - and allowing in the new and unexpected ideas and pathways. The contrarian in me somehow regards getting lost as one of the last available rebellions, in a society where hustle and financial motivations are not only applauded but infinitely documented across social platforms. Moreover, in a world where many cling to the things that are well known, perhaps it is an act of great courage to wander, to go off-piste, take the less trodden path - or at least, for a few stolen hours - let yourself completely go.

Yet strangely, it’s in the moments of letting go - of losing myself - in the familiar grassy fields in my childhood forest - that my eyes have seen countless times - that I sometimes find a fleeting feeling of what i’m looking for: home.

And then, when I try to catch it, nay even understand it, it flies - and I wonder if I even felt it at all.

So I ask myself - again and again, day after day - do I really dare, to lose myself, even for a few precious seconds (again) in my own backyard?

In other news, i’m getting proud at myself for shooting and editing these pictures by myself, with a little help from a tripod and a remote camera shutter. Let me know what you guys think?

Love, P

Shirt: Vintage from Bangkok

Vest: Cos

Necklace: Aligheri

Sunglasses: Ray-Ban

Jeans: Zara Men

Belt: British Belt Company